Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Liquid Voodoo

Someone, somewhere, has a voodoo doll with our name on it and is having a grand ole time repeatedly dunking it in a bucket of water. I need you to stop. Please.

It all started with a tiny drop of water on top of my husband’s head as he walked under the light fixture in my daughter’s room. Um, that is odd. Upon closer inspection we discovered the entire glass bowl was full to the rim with water and it was seeping out the top. Oh crap. This is a problem. We drained the light and soon determined the source of our issue was an ice dam formed midway up the roof due to all the lovely MN snow this year.

We cranked up the water heater and piped a garden hose from the utility sink, up the stairs, through the house and out the window where Ben was up on a ladder armed and ready. After attacking the dam with shovels and hot water for almost 3 hours, we were saved! Much rejoicing commenced and we were quite relieved to have escaped with little to no damage.

Apparently we were a bit quick in our celebrations. Later that night, it was revealed that another ice dam had formed above our son’s room. Only this time, there was no light fixture conveniently in just the right spot to catch the pooling water, and we were faced with a new dilemma. It was 4am. My husband gently lifted my son from his crib to join me in bed while he worked on the problem. Unbeknownst to him, the little stinker woke right up and thought it was party time in mom’s room. Fun! Not. Ben drilled 3 holes in the ceiling to relieve the pressure and instantly filled 3 buckets with water. Oye. It was literally raining right inside his bedroom.

After a horrid night’s sleep we were in need of coffee to jump start our day. At this point the curse had moved onto me and I failed to place the decanter in the coffee maker before turning it on. Word of advice: if you forget this critical part of making coffee, you will end up with a flooded kitchen floor. Gah.

The day was a rinse and repeat of the previous and after 8 hours of battle, all the ice dams on our roof were cleared. We assessed the damage. It was not good and would require professional repairs. The timing was the worst. Our son’s new big boy furniture was scheduled for delivery the very next day.

Evening rolled by and Ben suddenly realized he had lost his phone in all the chaos. After an unsuccessful search around the house we took the mission outside, where we were once again left with nothing. Just before he was ready to head out into the snow with a shovel and Maglight he decided to switch out the laundry when what do you know? He finds his cellphone - in the washing machine. Freshly washed. Seriously? How did it end up in there? It is a goner.

It stayed with Ben the next day while we cleaned out my son’s room in preparation for his new furniture. Somehow he managed to get the leg of the stool in the bucket and knock it over. 2 gallons of hot soapy water instantly flooded onto the floor. You must be kidding. Thank goodness a lighting fast response by me was able to get downstairs, retrieve 5 towels, and back upstairs in time to soak it all up literally SECONDS before it started running down the floor pipes for the radiators - where it would have completely ruined the hung ceiling in the basement. Good grief.

Unfortunately it found its way back to the kids with my daughter suddenly “forgetting” in all the holiday excitement that she needs to go to the bathroom. She has an accident - a big accident. The kind that saturates the living room floor and soaks all the way through the rug. The kind that makes you ask yourself, “At what point did you not realize you were peeing in your pants and stop yourself? Really?”

It was not done there. Oh no. It moved back onto my son and his brand spanking new fancy bed, sheets, pillows, and irreplaceable comforter that I was so in love with. Around 3am on his FIRST night in his new bed I awaken to his crying - the kind of crying that you just know you can't ignore and have to go check on. I find him lying in a POOL of blood. I freak out thinking he must be near death with all that blood loss, but it was all from his nose. Man this kid bleeds out when he gets a nosebleed. He was covered in it. The entire bed was trashed - all of it: pillows, sheets, comforter, mattress pad - everything. What an insane mess. At 3am mind you. On the one and only night my husband decides to borrow not 1, but 2 of my Ambien and is out cold.

No more liquids please, and thank you.